Tuesday, November 8, 2011

A note to friends and family

Dear friends,family and coworkers,

Let me start this note by saying that I love you all dearly, value your various roles in my lives, and remain confident in your continued support of my aspirations, goals and dreams. I also am grateful for your continued daily maintenance in helping me cope with life's setbacks, real and imagined, microscopic and cosmic. I like to believe that I contribute in a similar way to each of your individual pursuits of happiness and fulfillment in this world and that my temporary absence in your lives will be noticed.

What you should know is that I will not be available for the next few days. Effective 11/11/11 I will be turning off my phone, shutting off my laptop and internet access, and even going so far as to turn off my xbox live. I will also never check my facebook or goodreads accounts so please do not try to get my attention there either.

There is no major crisis, I am not suicidal, nor am I homicidal. I am not bagging work, nor am I recruiting other job options. I have no romantic liasons planned, nor am I about to start a self destructive drug habit.

I will not be going camping, nor hunting. I have no long walks in the autumn woods planned, nor do I intend to go to the ends of the earth in a vain pursuit of enlightenment and improvement.

For those of you that know me well, and to indicate the seriousness of this weekend, I will not even be lifting weights, nor do I really anticipate reading anything besides an instruction booklet.

In fact, beyond taking daily dictation from the incessant idea and fiction machine that is my brain, you should know I have no desire to really write anything. But, such is the way I'm made that though I will endeavor not to write, I probably can't stop ideas from coming, so I will keep paper and pen handy to record the memos from my creative self.

I am not going on a hunger strike for some righteous left leaning political purpose. In fact, I have amply stocked up on caffiene, chocolate, various pastries, and microwaveable food that can be ready to eat in less than five minutes. So, though I wont starve I probably wont be eating healthy. But since it will only last for the duration of the weekend, I should be ok.

The reason for this sabbatical from the known world is that Elder Scrolls Skyrim has been released and I have effectively cleared my schedule to play it.

But let me elaborate. One does not "play" Elder Scrolls. One immerses oneself in the experience and the real world is a much better place as a result. If only for the simple reasons that the world at large is free from my middling attempts to improve it, or to continue to participate in a rampant consumer culture.

For this weekend, my only goals are to level up, and slay dragons(yes, Im partially mocking you Madden fans: "score a touchdown," or "slay a dragon," you decide which sounds more baddass and sexier).

Should my employers complain that I will not be available, I can only say that since I give you 40 hours per week, which adds up to about 2080 hours per year(not counting the overtime and training sessions I am required to do): I think that the organization can function without me for 48 hours. Our organization currently employs tens of thousands of workers in its various departments so I think you have it covered. Furthermore, since you are all so often fond of saying everyone is replaceable, then let me be replaceable for this weekend.

Think of it in these terms: would you rather have an employee who has spent a weekend problem solving, exploring wonders which will no doubt fire the soul with its archetypal imagery, and set said employee on a hero quest that is as old a need for human males as is breathing, eating, and siring a family, and emerge with a sense of accomplishment that those unbearably embarrassing "teambuilders" we perform at training sessions routinely fail to generate, or would you rather have said employee sitting passively before a television set watching endless reruns of sit coms obscenely blaring canned laughter and insulting one's grasp of reality and real world problems?

To put it another way, if this were the neolithic age I would be gearing up in my furs and hides, gathering my stone tipped arrows and spears, and disappearing into the wild with my tribe members to hunt mammoth, or saber tooth tigers. We would journey into a primeval forest, living off the land and our wits, hunting and being hunted, ridding the tribe of a threat and gathering meat and clothing for the winter months, communing with nature and at the end of said visionquest would have a deeper understanding of the world and our species role in the cosmos. Also upon returning after displaying our wares of teeth, hides, meat and tusks, we would be enthusiastically greeted by the ample bosomed, broad hipped, enormously grateful female members of the tribe who would endlessly bestow their sexual favors on us in exchange for our obviously potent dna.

Such as it is though in the modern world I must hunt via the computer screen and the only wares I will be in a position to display are the gamer points on my xbox profile. In a sense, it will announce to my "tribe" my accomplishments and prowess.

Consider this a heads up though. And think of it as me not really escaping reality, but refreshing my soul. If this impassioned plea really works we can maybe think of it as an extended retreat which in the sense of preventive health care. It might actually contribute to my greater health and well being, and make me a far more effective employee. If you accept this then perhaps we can deduct at least the cost of the game from my steep and ridiculously high insurance payments that are, as we speak, no doubt paying the mortage on some CEO's vacation home in the Carribean.

As I said, this was just a head's up.

To summarize, reiterate, and put it plainly: leave me the fuck alone for two days, Im going to kill dragons.

Thanks 

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